Sunday, August 29, 2010

... and when Spring has sprung.

It's my birthday in less than and month. I am turning 25. Apparently I am supposed to have a quarter life crisis. But I don't even know what this crisis is supposed to look like, let alone how I differentiate it from one of my common every day crises. Perhaps I just get to decide which one will be labelled my quarter life crisis and pass off a minor thing as my crisis and continue my life from there without the big life changing crisis. Or is it even a compulsory part of turning 25? Because if it is, then I am not looking forward to it. My crisis will undoubtedly have something to do with life. Yes that is possibly the most broad term ever. How do you define 'life'? Well I personally like to think a life crisis would be career, living situation or personal development related.

I have minor career crises almost weekly... Do I want to be a teacher? Do I want to teach next year? Maybe I need more study before I can feel comfortable in a classroom? Why did I choose English? How do I become a special education teacher? What assignment is due next week? These are all things that go through my head on a daily basis. If you asked me to answer any of them my answer would be "I know right", when really I don't know.

Living situation on the other hand I probably only stress about once a month. Now, this might sound ominous but it's not. Mostly it is about where I will be living come 2012. Ben finishes WAAPA and from there life is as uncertain as it gets. I'm kinda liking it, but every now and then my brain implodes with the logistics of moving two people's stuff, a car and two people interstate. It also scares me a tinsy bit knowing that I wont know till probably after this time next year where exactly I will be moving too. Having said that, if I have a great teaching job here in Perth I will be staying. That concept also scares me. Only once in the last 6 months have I ever had a moment about the whole thing, and cried... just a little.

Personal development I have more regular intense crises. Nothing major... but as a recent new hair colour can  show, I am in what I like to call a "personally unsettled" head space. Nothing about how I am as a person seems settled, or to ever be concrete in any real way. It's disconcerting. I don't necessarily feel unhappy, I just feel inconstant, unsettled and erratic while being strangely immoveable. I know who I am, don't get me wrong, but do I really? That question is a bit existential when really all I am trying to say is that right now, I am a million different Me's trying to morph into one conglomerate of an Emily that is satisfying to both the eye and the imagination. Yes?

I can't even decide what I want, to the point where I asked my Mum to get me hard copies of assignment resources (mentioned in a previous blog). How lame and old lady is that?


I seemed to have worked myself into a tizzy, when I know that the day of 25 will come and go and I will be no different to what I was the day before (except maybe a day closer to some due dates).

I do like September though. It's the first month of Spring. New and exciting things are always in the air in during Spring. I'm keen to see what this Spring holds for me, other than a birthday.

With milestones and warm sake I bid you, good evening.

E x

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